It’s My Party……

And I cried because I NEEDED to,

You would cry too if you walked in my shoes.

Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

It was yet another year of celebrating life in the middle of this pandemic. Unlike most birthdays before last year, I wasn’t genuinely excited.

I knew that this year would be somewhat different since I now live in Texas and most of my family and friends live in North Carolina. 

It began as one of the most “un-birthday-est” birthdays ever. 

I’m used to celebrating throughout the week amongst friends, family and strangers alike. 

Karaoke.

Dinners.

Bar hops.

Vineyards.

Smoking cigars.

Kayaking.

Connecting with nature, 

Hood rat shit with my friends.

This pandemic forced me to do some serious shadow working.

I have had breakdowns galore. 

I have had some rough wild nights.

My support system is A1. 

This revolution around the sun is propelling me forward. I feel it. 

Leering go of the things that torement me. The things that kept me bound. The things that lived rent free in my head for far too long.

It was hindering all that I was trying to manifest.

And on my birthday things changed. 

There was shift. The good finally about to outweigh the bad. 

I got that message very loud and clear. 

Yesterday was an entire party just for me.

And dammit I cried!

Thank you all for allowing me to share this space with you in this lifetime. 

Time to rebrand.

And the award goes to…..

In spirit of one of the podcasts that’s kept me afloat this year, The Brilliant Idiots, I think that this quote is reasonable.

If you think 2020 was your best year ever, you’re absolutely right. If you think 2020 was your worst year ever, you’re right too.

Many of us don’t even have the words for what 2020 was. 

Nothing I did was on my vision board. 

My planner looked like a kindergartener had scribbled through it.

I started a new job as a middle school teacher. 

I quit that new job and moved to Texas. 

We got hit with the pandemic quarantine. 

I made $1000 Instacarting one week. 

I got fired from Instacart. 

I had to ask my friends to help me pay my bills.

I finally have a bed after sleeping on a blowup mattress for months. 

I worked at the IRS for 2 days and quit. 

I worked at a hospital for a month. 

I fell in love again. 

If that isn’t Oscar worthy, I don’t know what is. 

2020 showed its ass. 

I’m actually eager to see what 2021 has in store. I’m rather used to this Jordan Peele production we’ve been in for 90% of 2020. 

I’m looking forward to all of the creative ideas being birthed from this pandemic. All of the healthy conversations that are taking place. People are reading again. People are writing again. Strangers are networking. Folks are finally pursuing their passions. 

I love to see it. 

Please do set intentions. 

Please do the shadow work. 

Manifest that shit!

2020. Deuces!

This is 30

Happy New Year to me!

30 is supposedly that pivotal age where you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I always thought that I’d be approaching 30 as a young woman thriving in the career of her dreams. With the love of my life. In a loving home. With a few rugrats running around said home.

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Man. Let me tell you about 30.

As 29 was coming to a close, I did a ton of soul searching and reflecting. I’d lived in NC my entire life. I had a few “almost” attempts to leave but never actually went through with the decision.

One day, I had a purely honest moment with myself.

Rock. This ain’t it! This isn’t the life intended for you boo.

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Here I was. 29. No husband. No boyfriend. No kids (well Milo). I felt STUCK. Stuck in a job that was surely leading me to an early grave. Gifts and talents that weren’t being put to good use. And degrees that were collecting dust. It was time for a change.

30 had to be different.

Today is my birthday. I gifted myself with an entire new life in Texas. I am happy. I am grateful. This is by far the most peace that I’ve had in a long time.

Everything I thought I wanted. Everything I thought I knew.

All out the window.

Despite the thought of living with my sister and brother-in-law at 30. Despite not knowing how long I’ll be here. Despite COVID-19. Despite not knowing what the future holds for myself. Or those that I love. Or you reading this blog.

30 is a reminder that at any moment, you can change the narrative of you life.

30 is a reminder that no matter how much you think you’re in control, you’re not.

30 is a reminder that 30 looks, sounds and feels different for everyone.

30 is a reminder that I’m stronger than I think and wiser than I give myself credit for.

30 is a reminder that it’s never too late for what you deserve.

This is 30. And it’s pretty fuckin lit.

I Ain’t Got No Job Man

7/31/18

Today started out as a regular day. I dreaded hearing the alarm clock, repeated my affirmations, hit the bathroom and prepared to walk Milo. Our walk was like any other day with Milo ignoring the conversation that I tried to have with him. I got dressed and went to work on what I would have thought to be a normal stressful day. My colleagues trickled in as per usual and we all got settled into our routine.

And then it started again.

More emails. Back and forth. If I had to guesstimate, I probably said “what the fuck” at least three hundred times. I was still struggling to understand why I seemed to be this week’s target for pettiness. What had I done to deserve such attention. Apparently I started to wear down on my higher up to the point where she simply walked over to explain what was intended in the 700,000 emails that were sent. Again I felt my pot starting to boil. Under normal conditions I’m an advocate for eye contact. In this particular encounter I deliberately avoided it. I guess it had more to do with her standing over me while explaining herself. Nevertheless she finished and went back into the comforts of her office space. All was quiet on the department front until I received an email with the work I had completed being sent up the ladder (a normal process). The difference is that within this email, she decided to single out each and every mistake that I made as well.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I looked to see if my HR rep was available on Skype. She wasn’t. So I proceeded to go to my car, get the biggest TJ Maxx bag I could find, come upstairs and began packing my shit. My colleagues asked if I was leaving. Yes. Today? Yes. Right now? Yup. They understood. Supposedly this wasn’t their first encounter with the OCD micromanagement either but I had had enough. I’ve been doing a phenomenal job at keeping my depression and anxiety at bay. It was rearing it’s ugly head again. Three years with no panic attacks and I could feel them coming on again. Clearly, it was this job and it had to go.

It took two trips to get everything down. Once I got done packing I walked to my team members and bid them farewell. I knew my energy would be missed. Each asked if I had a plan and my response was simple. No but I trust that if I fall, the universe will catch me. I even told my boss bye. She said bye and asked where I was going. I simply kept walking, head held high singing Lil Duval’s hit Smile (Best Life). Not only did I find it humorous for the occasions but also perfectly fitting.

**I started a manuscript about my journey so stay tuned**

And that’s how my day went.

I wanted so desperately to be afraid or to be sad that I was leaving the comforts of a hefty salaried position. Nada. I was more relieved to get as far away as possible from the 8-5+ life as possible (because its never truly 8-5).

In my reflection, I got to thinking, depending on the dollar signs, I think we quickly forget how truly priceless we are, how pertinent our health is and honestly how disposable and replaceable we really are to giant corporations.

This first full week of freedom was full of support, surprises and adventures and I was reminded of a few things.

1. You are not alone

I was amazed at how many people on my social media platforms shared my sentiments in being fed up. Many had been suffering for much longer than I have. A few people commented and messaged me about my bravery. Even more people were in disbelief about me leaving such a high ranking position. Most importantly people were and are still wondering, what the hell I am going to do to pay the bills.The truth is I’m still figuring it out. I have quite a few ideas though. I wish that I could bottle up this feeling of happiness and freedom and give it to everyone that feels burdened by these crappy positions.

2. Sometimes you gotta adjust the lens

I’ve been a resident of Greensboro NC for nine years now but on Friday I explored it as if it were my first time visiting. After getting a few tasks completed at the public library, I decided to leave my car parked and venture out by foot. I was able to try lunch at Cafe Europa for the first time, choosing to dine outside in solitude with my notebook…….

and visited a “Herstory” exhibit at the Greensboro Cultural Center……

where I also discovered a podcasting studio

I felt like a kid that skipped school with my backpack on walking the sidewalks. There were soooooooo many people out and about.

3. Don’t be afraid to try something new

I tried tofu…….it was gross

I had a tarot card reading………it was confirmation that I’m on the right path

I experienced my first reiki healing session…….I’m still amazed at how much baggage that I didn’t know I was still carrying from the past

I took my first online coaching masterclass…….I’ll be updating this site to include information for the coaching services that I offer

I was the canvas for a fantasy makeup competition…….first place of course

4. Love always wins

I had the pleasure of being the hostess for the wedding of two good friends. I don’t think that I’ll ever stop being a lover of love.

Love always wins literally and figuratively. As long as you’re doing something you love, you’ll never work a day in your life said every successful person ever that was pursuing these passions.

5. The Universe is aligning things in my favor

This isn’t my fourth affirmation by chance. All of the resources that I’ve been needing are falling directly into my lap. My creativity has been in overdrive and I’m finding it harder and harder to keep up with everything being sent in my direction.

While I don’t expect everyone reading this to pack up and leave the dungeons as I did, I do hope that you find my story inspiring. Remember, your mental health should always come first.