So I was typing up the discussion for Black Girls Must Die Exhausted.
Bumping Maxwell’s MTV Unplugged album- track 4. This Woman’s Work. Despite being tragically placed in the sex scene in Love and Basketball and many a first dance wedding song, the song is actually about death.
In case you didn’t know. Go back and listen to the lyrics. And watch the video.
Between the book, the music and the incense I was burning (which happened to be called “Black Woman”), I got in my feelings.
I got to thinking.
Finally, I have a job I don’t hate. An amazing apartment. Clear skin. Edges……..and in therapy.
The insurance that I have through my job allows me to access for as little as $35 a session. I’ve been going weekly since December 5th. I went to my first session fully equipped with a plan. I wanted to commit myself to weekly sessions for at least one year. I even started a “therapy journal” last year to write down specific things I’d wanted to tackle when I finally found a therapist.
We’re quite a few sessions in and I’m making a ton of progress. I’m telling y’all I came prepared to do “the work.” And I make sure to review all of my therapist’s notes after each session.
The first culprit we’ve identified is PTSD (post- traumatic stress disorder). Primarily from childhood trauma. Now if you know me personally, this comes as no surprise. I’ve been pretty transparent about my upbringing. But I genuinely didn’t understand the extent to which it’d negatively impact every facet of my adult life and all of the relationships I’ve built within it. From family, to friends and lovers alike.
The truth is. I’ve been tired for a very long time and now I’m fully coming to grips with why it’s understandable. Growing up being applauded for ensuring the wellbeing of others was not a badge of honor that I should have earned. Strength should never be rooted in anyone’s ability to put up with bullshit.
I’m tired of being the strong daughter
I’m tired of being the strong sibling
I’m tired of being the strong niece
I’m tired of being the strong friend
I’m tired of being the strong colleague
The strong everything for everyone else.
And thanks to therapy, I realize that it’s okay for me to feel that way. I had to be responsible for so much at quite a young age. Just juggling everyone else’s SHIT in addition to my own. Almost to the point where I don’t even really know where anybody else’s shit ends and mine begins. Lately I’ve been working on distinguishing between the two and creating more boundaries to protect myself….FIRST.
So moving forward, I won’t be available in the same capacities that I used to be.
I’ve taken the “strong” cape off.