Untitled 4/27/20

What if I told you that today, I spent the bulk of the afternoon crying in my car in a park? Like boo hoo. Snot running. Struggling to breathe bawling. A lot of folks I know probably wouldn’t believe it and even more would likely be upset that didn’t reach out to talk to them. The thing is…..I needed to cry today. I needed to fall apart. I needed to RELEASE.

Everything kinda hit at once (with the assistance of my period of course) and I lost my shit.

I started my day off like normal. Instacarting. Batches were trickling in but few and far between. For lunch I had street tacos from a food truck and I sat in the parking lot eating and people watching. A norm for me.

Then I started getting into my own head again. I started thinking about being 30. Living with my sister and brother in law. Not having yet gotten my own apartment since being in Texas. Not getting the full time job that I was really gunning for. Not being able to get Milo from NC right now. COVID19 fucking up all of my plans. The list continues.

Just all of the things that I’m not able to do. I started feeling helpless. The sure fire sign that I am on the brink of going into a state of depression.

I had a complete meltdown.

I let all of my frustrations and fears fall from my eyes. I screamed. I cursed. I prayed. I begged.

And you know what I noticed after I did all of that?

Nothing in the park stopped because I had a meltdown.

Folks were still getting their miles in. Smiling. Laughing. Kids still played on the playground (a separate COVID convo to be had).

NOBODY NOTICED. There was no one to ask what was wrong. NOBODY GAVE A DAMN.

So I started laughing.

Here I am. Having an entire pity party.

Alone.

Expecting the world to stop.

The world won’t stop because I’m sad. Because things aren’t going according to plan. Hell, it still hasn’t stopped for COVID.

I had a day. A moment. Cool. But how many more days can I afford to fall apart like this? None.

I got out the car. Went to a table and started reading.

If you look hard enough, you’ll find clues on what to do next.

Two clues came to me today.

The first was a quote from the book I’m reading Think Unbroken by Michael Anthony.

If you win the day, then you win the week.

If you win the week, then you win the month.

If you win the month, then you win the year.

Think Unbroken, Michael Anthony

I decided to change the working to be more proactive for me. I jotted it down on a sticky note to put over my bed.

The second thing that came was a shift in my mindset from a very interesting place.

I saw a man at the park. He was flying a kite. From a fishing rod.

It was actually flying and he looked like the happiest man in the world.

Who said he had to ONLY fly a kite from the string it came with?

Who said that you had to ONLY fish with a fishing rod?

NO DAMN BODY.

I was reminded to think outside the box. I can make up my own rules if the “rules” that I’m attempting to follow aren’t working for me.

I was reminded to think bigger. Perhaps what I need right now isn’t coming to me because what I think I need is too small.

I quickly pulled my shit together and left the park.

Empowered.

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