Journal Entry: July 31, 2018

Today started out as a regular day. I dreaded hearing the alarm clock. I repeated my affirmations. Hit the bathroom and prepared to walk Milo. Our walk was like any other day with him ignoring the conversation I tried to have with him. I got dressed and went to work on what I would have thought to be a normal stressful day. My colleagues trickled in as usual and we all got settled into our routines.

And then it started again.

More emails. Back and forth. If I had to guesstimate, I probably said “what the fuck” at least three hundred times. I was still struggling to understand why I was this week’s target for the pettiness. What did I do to deserve such attention? Apparently I started to wear down on my boss to the point where she decided to just come to my desk and show me what she was trying to explain in 700,000 emails. Again I felt my pot starting to boil. Under normal conditions, I’m an advocate for eye contact. In this particular encounter I deliberately avoided it. I guess it had more to do with her standing over me while explaining herself. Nevertheless she finished and went back to the comforts of her office. All was quiet on the department front until I received an email with the work I had completed being sent up the ladder. Once again she singled out every mistake that I made.

That was the straw that broke the camels back!

I looked on Skype to see if my HR rep was online. She wasn’t. so I proceeded to go to my car and get the biggest TJ Maxx bag that I could find. I went upstairs and began packing my shit. My colleagues asked if I was leaving.

Yes.

Today?

Yes.

Right now?

Yup!

They understood. Supposedly this wasn’t my bosses first rodeo with OCD micromanagement but I had had enough. I’ve been doing a phenomenal job at keeping depression at bay. It was rearing it’s ugly head again. Three years with no panic attacks and I could feel them coming on again. Clearly it was this job and it had to go.

It took two trips to get everything into my car. Once I got done packing I walked to my team members and bid them farewell. I knew my energy would be missed. They asked if I had a plan and my response was simple. No but I trusted that if I fall the universe will catch me. I even told my boss bye. She said bye, wait, where are you going? I kept walking. The song that I sang to myself was Lil Duval’s Smile (Best Life). Not only did I find it humourous for the occasion but also perfectly fitting.

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