May as well ride the wave of the movie right? The movie was trash but that isn’t what this blog is about. For me, 2018 was all about removing the blindfold to my own bullshit. I found myself in a constant state of self reflection, and it wasn’t all bad. While I was easily able to pinpoint a ton of good, I knew that nothing can be balanced without exploring the opposite side of the spectrum. It can be a bit difficult to identify and embrace or fix weaknesses but not impossible. It’s not an overnight process and requires a level of dedication that is continuous.
In “taking my blindfold off” I’ve come to grips with a few things about myself. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t. Maybe you’re in denial.
I’ve spent most of my life caring about shit that doesn’t. I remember wanting Vans soooooo bad as a kid and my grandma refused to buy them. I vowed that when I became an adult, I would buy as many pair as I could that I liked. Same with clothes and a ton of other things. Next things you know I’ve become obsessed with buying all this stuff. As if the obsession with buying isn’t enough, I became attached to it. And with the attachment came the hoarding. To stuff y’all!!!! INANIMATE POSSESIONS!!!!! It wasn’t until I quit my job and couldn’t support the habit that reality started to set it. Here I was still desiring to fill that void of material possession.
My bank account was like
The priorities set in.
At one point I had a meltdown that turned into a whole session of me laughing at myself because I couldn’t buy something that I simply wanted and didn’t necessarily need. All of my basic needs were satisfied. That should have been enough right? It was then that I realized that so much of how I had been living, what I had been doing was a result of the voices of other people telling me what I should have. What my life should look and be like single, unmarried and kidless. I was supposed to have this luxurious lifestyle. That shit is for the birds. No pun intended. Since then, I’ve been living a pretty minimalistic lifestyle. And it’s amazing. It’s freeing actually.
And another thing.
I’ve been trying to beat the clock on “life” when in all actuality none of us have the time we think because none of us know when it will run out.
I was supposed to be married by now. I was supposed to have kids by now. I was supposed to be in senior management by now. I was supposed to do this. And that. And that. And that.
If nobody else tells you, I will. Where you currently are is 1, temporary but 2, also where you’re supposed to be at this current season and time. Whether it’s a bind or the highlight of your life. Trust the universe on it.
It’s a perfect time to take a personal inventory of yourself and to map out the rest of the current chapter in your life and beyond.
And I’m finally admitting (as I’m writing this, December 29) that I actually suck at dating and relationships. And you know what, it feels good to admit it. All of it. If I told you (and I have plans to write about it) how shitty I am/can be (I’m starting to think) as a partner or trying to get to know someone, you wouldn’t believe me. For the folks I’ve let down in my personal life this year, listen, in the words of Kanye, “it’s been a shaky ass year.” For the folks lurking, listen, there’s a ton of work I need to do on me before I even consider being serious about you. I can’t afford to break any more hearts this year. Thanks for understanding.
There’s so much beauty in embracing your flaws and weaknesses and choosing (if you’d like) to work on fixing them or functioning with them. Your choice.
Moving forward into 2019, I’d encourage you to take a personal inventory of yourself. Are you “well put together” for the masses but falling the fuck apart in private? Sign up for therapy! Tired of feeling like you’re not satisfied with the way you look! Change it! Try something new! We ain’t got no excuses in 2019. 1st step, removing the blindfold.