Self Discovery

You Gotta take the Crookeds with the Straights

So um yeah. For the record, this was NOT my intended original post for today. Above is a legit picture of me trying to figure out how to tie it all together. But after a deep convo earlier today, I decided to do some reflecting. Even when we aren’t at our best, it’s important to remember that we are better than where we were.

If I had to give a year that’s been my best thus far, I’d have to say it was 2015. Hands down. So many dope things happened especially concerning my growth and development. I bought my first car. I spent a week in Alaska. I turned 25. It was as if a light switch had gone off. All of a sudden I was interested in my credit score, credit cards, traveling outside of the country and even possibly starting a small business of some sort. Even better was looking down and realizing that after waiting forever and a day, my boobs were sitting up under my chin! My body did an entire 360 and I’m grateful for it. But back to the point. Two major things happened in my life in 2015.

I taught myself how to cook. I know right. What grown ass woman wouldn’t know how to cook at my age? Well let me tell y’all about my grandma. I learned early on that my role in her kitchen was to wash dishes and stay out of the way. Above her stove is a wooden sign that reads “Marjorie’s Kitchen”. So what you’re not gonna do is come into her kitchen using her good authentic cast iron skillets or glass casserole dishes. Her kitchen. Her rules. And it’s not up for debate. However, I was able to convince her to give me a cast iron skillet once. And then there’s the crock pot she gifted me after stating that the only reason I was getting it was because she wanted to give it to me as a wedding gift but it didn’t look like I was getting married any time soon. Gotta love grandmas and their honesty right?

My recipes started out relatively simple like burgers and chicken. I mean, you cant really go wrong with those two. And then I got into the taboo stuff like the potato salads and mac and cheeses. I knew I was on my shit when I challenged my grandma to a honeybun cake challenge and she not only showed up empty handed but she had the nerve to ask me what my secret ingredient was. Feeling myself was an understatement. I was just happy to add that to society’s “this is what makes me wifey material” list followed by sewing and keeping a clean house.

The second thing that happened is that i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’m pretty sure that it will come as a surprise to most folks. For years I’ve managed to smile and walk around knowing that I wasn’t okay. Feeling okay came in spurts but still something was off. Luckily I finally had a job that allowed a certain number of free sessions with the therapist of your choice. Well my session didn’t pan out as expected. It resulting in me “reflecting” for 23 hours with some lovely nurses at Wesley Long. In those 23 hours, I decided that if everyone in the room threw all of their problems into a pile, I’d gladly take mine back. It was at that moment I knew that things needed to change. And they did. And they have been changing ever since.

*November 2015 after my 23 hours. The most random big chop ever actually wasn’t so random

November 4, 2017 makes two years since the shift. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost a year. I haven’t taken an anxiety pill in a year and a half. The depression comes and goes but i can always tell when I’m slipping. I identified all of my triggers and plucked them from the roots. I also stopped allowing others to put pressure on me and stopped applying so much pressure on myself.

I was one of those people that had mapped out my life. I’m just a planner by nature. Letting go of that was one of the best decisions that I’ve ever made. I have somewhat a sense of direction that I’d like for my life to go in, but there are more unanswered questions than there are answers. And I’m completely fine with that. Not knowing the answers helps to keep me sane. That experience also helped me to discover my purpose in life. My purpose isn’t to be some billionnaire business woman or a person that discovers something really dope. It’s simply to be light in a dark room wherever I go. And guess what? I’m fulfilling my purpose everyday. Sometimes two or three times a day. If it wasn’t for 2015, who know’s where I’d be?


10 thoughts on “You Gotta take the Crookeds with the Straights

  1. Jamique T Chestnut says:

    So i would like to officially take credit for you being great bc it was a lil b4 then that you opened up & talked to me! You know what you are welcome!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The realness of this!!! You and I have so much in common – for real. I haven’t been diagnosed because I’m stubborn, but I have absolutely had panic attacks and anxiety. Mine first started in January 2017 and it feels like death.

    You got a lot done in 2015, chica!! It’s a beautiful thing when we have the power to pull ourselves up from our own bootstraps and do what we need to do gain control of our circle of influence. You did that, girl!!

    That is one thing I’m working on: not putting to much pressure on myself. For instance: you’d think with ALL this weight loss I’ve had that I’d be happy with my body. No ma’am. Not at all. I have this imagine of what I believe my body should look like and so it keeps me in the gym pushing harder, when the reality is that if I want THAT body, I need surgery. Or I think I do…Let’s just say I get it. It’s not easy to do, but it’s not impossible. I’m proud of you!!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Another great read!! Thank God for progression and growth. I myself have never had struggles with anxiety but I treat panic and anxiety attacks often. It sucks when the only thing you can do for someone is to give them a little O2 and tell them to take deep breaths. A lot of the time it doesn’t work.

    I’m glad you’ve found purpose and are able to fulfill it!!! Let your light shine bright!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mo says:

    & you are most certainly that light in a dark room! Love you Rah Rah.Great Read! S.N. Loghan and I would love a honey bun cake right now. 🤗 Nvm that my bday Saturday 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mytwentyfour15 says:

    Talk about a fresh start ! I too have grown a lot over the years, but I still have trouble letting go of the hurt and disappointment I’ve experienced . I think it put a huge brick wall up , which isn’t necessarily a bad thing , but it isn’t the best thing either .

    Would you say that you made a decision in 2015 to just be better and do better ?

    Liked by 1 person

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