From Bitter to Better
You ever started cleaning up and stumble across an old flash drive. Yeah? Ever come across a few gems that you hadn’t shared with anyone? Me too. I found some material that I wrote back in the summer of 2014. I had titled it “Spare a Heart: My Ultimate Grow Up Manual. Looking at it now, I started it out with my love life, or lack thereof. It’s pretty bad. Here are a few excerpts:
Guys are no longer giving women the option to date, not be a “coverup” (for the down-low guy), to be the side chick, to be more than sex, or to merely be anything more than just their physical or verbal punching bag. Where is the communication? Where is the transparency. Where are the relationships? There is no loyalty. Just greed. Have your cake and eat it too.
Time and time again, I find myself in the same boat. I’m devastated over a guy that does nothing for me besides give me great sex. Hugging and cuddling here and there doesn’t count. It’s just enough to keep me hooked and booking another appointment for the following week. When is enough simply enough? I’d love to be given the option to actually become emotionally attached.
Maybe I’m not selective enough about who I let into my life. I’m broken, therefore I’ll continue to attract unhealthy and broken people. Racquell. Captain Save a Hoe. I always feel the need to fix them. In my mind, I’m fixing them up for me. In reality, I’m building them up for someone else. It never fails to put me in some pretty awkward situations. I hate it. Another thing. Opposites attracting isn’t always ok. Sometimes they need to be repelled for the sake of my heart and my sanity. I hate that some people are only assigned seasons in my life…..
Now allow me to reflect at how much I’ve grown since three summers ago….
I’m no longer bitter. I’m better.
I learned…….It’s okay to be super in tune with my feelings and emotions. And it’s perfectly ok to NOT share them. Everyone isn’t ready to accept them. They also don’t always deserve them. The average person will blow it off as “it’s not even that deep.” To me, it is.
I also had to learn that I was competent enough to make good decisions on my own with or without the approval or disapproval of others (most of my friends either hate that or love that about me).
A lot has changed. A lot has not. I am newly single, again (don’t look for the pictures, they are all gone, continue reading please). So, as I was saying. I’m single again but not back on the prowl as Trina suggested. I’m chillin. No. Seriously. I’m good. This recent breakup opened a very healthy can of worms. My creative juices have been flowing. Now don’t get me wrong, he gave me an amazing three months (that seems to be the common expiration date) that I’ve had in a long time before shit simply went left. Deal breakers are deal breakers folks. Everything happens for a reason. Blah blah blah. All the cliché sayings that you can think of. But trust me when I tell you that he restored my faith that there are still chivalrous and romantic men outchea. I needed that because I had definitely lost all faith. I was content with living single…..with Milo. The stereotype of “the successful single black woman” didn’t bother me.
Guys are a hit or miss. There is no magic formula to get them. Wait 90 days or 90 minutes. I just learned to enjoy people for how ever many seasons that they are in my life. Learn from them. Grow. And understand that it is okay to keep it moving. I also had to realize that there were parts of myself that needed to heal so that I could stop attracting guys that were broken in those spaces as well. And to give up the damn timeline of how love works. In my mind, I was supposed to meet my future husband junior year of college, move in senior year, get engaged a year after graduation, get married the year after that and pop a baby out the year after that. All while paying off my student loans, buying a new car and a house. *Checks checklist to see how much of that actually happened. Nothing but the new car. You see how foolish it all sounds.
I love the space I’m in now. I love being single. It took all of that for me to fully appreciate where I am in life and the beautiful things that are happening daily. I love the option to be alone or entertain someone. I love the option to have options if I chose to do that as well. Perspective is key.
Categories: Self Discovery